Changes.

2010-01-25T08:24:00.000-08:00

So it's still going on. More changes. And who knows what will happen tomorrow. What's wrong with this year?

Anyway, the only thing I can do is to face all of this with a smile and a positive outlook. A brand new chapter, just when it is all going to end in a year's time. Whatever. It doesn't matter anymore now.

Gotta let go of that lost sense of familiarity. Gotta find a new comfort zone.

It's going to be tough, but it will pass. I believe it.

2010, and confusion.

2010-01-23T19:56:00.000-08:00

Phew. It took me quite some time to figure this out --how to set a blog, to post and everything. Anyway, I'm a tech-idiot, and from now onwards this will be my virtual diary. My. Virtual diary. Can you believe it? Now, here we go.

So it's day 24 of 2010 today. How has it been going for you?

I gotta say, for me, it's been a hell of a ride.

We're not even a month into the new year-slash-decade yet, and God knows what has been going on in my life. I don't even know how to word it, what word is suitable to describe how I feel about this new year... bizarre? I don't know. All I know is that it has been a physical and emotional roller-coaster; a physically and emotionally draining roller-coaster ride that has left me oblivious of how to feel, oblivious of what I am currently feeling, because I honestly don't think I can feel anything besides the numbness.

It started on a high-note; my first ever trip to Melbourne with the family finally gathered together after one long year. It had been quite the perfect trip, one among the very few in my life that I believe I could cherish for a long long time. The first-ever family Christmas dinner at T.G.I. Friday's, the trip to Dandenong with its Geppeto's toy-store and traditional gift-shops, the walk around the beautiful city, eating the uber-tasty Churros together while sitting by the Yarra River, the decorated St. Ali's white latte and the unique breakfast menus, the freshening cool air, even all the cooking and dish-washing, and so on, and so on, and so on. It's just simply one of the best times of my life. How I wished I did not have to go back to life after that, but oh well, so it goes. I'm not going to post a lot of pictures, but here's one.

Happy times. Happy times

It was followed by my trip back home, the shortest that I've had ever since I had moved to Singapore --a short but happy trip back home. Family time (although without my beloved elder sister, sadly) was precious, and a dinner with friends at Indischetafel was great. It was one of those moments when you realize that, once you stop over-analyzing things and being so hard to satisfy, you're life is just perfect if only you open your eyes and look all around you, and see for yourself that you're actually surrounded by people who love you and bring positive feelings inside you, that you are so much blessed to be able to be gathered with them again after a long while, that you are far, far from being alone and unloved in this world. It was one of those moments when you feel that you finally have the world in your hands, and you are absolutely contented with your life.

God is good, and life is good. The new year had just started for a new beginning, a new school term had just re-opened, and you had a new chance to do it all over again, a new start to do better, to reflect on past mistakes and make this year better than ever. How could it be more perfect?

Just when things took a sudden turn and went downhill.

It's bad enough to have some of my friends, some of my 'comrades', leaving this year. I can't believe that I'm actually saying this, but I honestly find RIB as more of a 'home' compared to NYGBS. I had a great time in NY, with great great friends, but RIB is a family. And I'm not only talking about my fellow Indonesians in this boarding. There are some people that I can trust with my life here, people who trust me in return, people who understand me and will be there for me whenever I need, people in whom I find content when I am with them, and there are those who are just so fun to hang out with. Losing some of them is a big change that I would opt not to experience if I could. But it's okay. With communication means having advanced in an unprecedented speed, communication is not a problem. There's always facebook. There's always MSN messenger. At least for the time being.

But then, came this news. And I don't know how I should act after this. I don't know what to think. What should I do? How should I live my life? What is appropriate?

I'm moving on, I'm living my life as it was before you left, I laugh and I go out and I do my work and all sorts of things, but it still feels inappropriate. It feels wrong, cold and cruel to do so. Is it inappropriate not to talk about you anymore after only several days? To be laughing around and go with our lives as if you never existed? As if nothing happened? I miss you SO much. You're in my mind everywhere I go, and I feel you're absence in whatever I do, thinking of how the world around me is still going normally, when actually, no, something very huge is missing, that something is actually very wrong, that nobody seemed to recognize that you are gone. And it really angers me inside to see how they laugh, smile, dress up, wear make-ups, bringing their beautiful babies to shopping centres, wear flip-flops and colorful tank-tops, all being unaware of you. It really angers and saddens me that they are oblivious to your existence, that they have missed out on a big privilege to have you touch their lives, because every single person in this whole world should experience the touch of someone as kind, as cheerful, as caring, as understanding, as accepting, as thoughtful, as precious as you are. Everyone in this whole world should have obtained that blessing, the blessing in the form of you, brightening up their lives with the little or big acts of kindness that you do. They should have known you. And everybody should be mourning your departure.

I guess I'm not sad because my eyes are completely dry and my chest is not hurting. I guess I'm not broken because I'm cracking up at the the unbelievable jokes my friends are telling me until I was going to pee in my pants. But I know that the grief is there. Although I'm not thinking about you, although I try so hard to keep you out of my head, although I chase away instead of embracing the pain. But I know it's there, latent inside me. I'm mourning you inside, and it's gonna take a while until I'll get used to not having you around anymore.

But I will move on. I promise. Although it still feels sullenly strange seeing your name still being posted on your door as the boarding mistress, I will move on. It's strangely consoling, after talking to some of my friends who are even more severely devastated by your departure, to hear that they actually feel what I'm feeling as well -- this weird state of confusion. That is why I know, although we don't know what will happen tomorrow, we can go through this together. It's just as Weiyi said -- even after life, you still do what you do best; you still manage to bring us girls closer than before.

I'm going to miss your sunshine smile and your "how's your days", your "how are you doing with GP", the little smiley faces and sweet messages you left on the signed blue forms, your characteristic way of saying "right", the little loving gestures that you always give to us. But I will go through this. I'll score an A in GP to make you proud. And I will miss you forever.

Good bye, Ms Low. You're an inspiration, thanks for teaching me how to love.

Name it as you like it.

Changes.

2010, and confusion.